Her Life Has Yet to Begin

My mom was one of the strongest women I knew. It has been a year since my mom was diagnosed and has been fighting against lung cancer. The doctors didn't think she would make it eight months ago, but with God's grace, she proved them wrong. She's done a lot of that in her life. I'm proud to say that I couldn't have asked for a better mama. On Sunday, April 18th, 2010 at 7:45pm, Thu-Thuyet Pham went into the strong arms of Jesus, with him saying "Well done, good and faithful servant."

She was a stubborn woman if anything, but had a kind, generous, gentle and loving heart. She had a heart for Jesus and children. Leaving her children and husband behind to build a church building in Vietnam and witnessing to the children and their parents by cooking meals, arts and crafts and Bible stories. She was really a selfless person, but a very prideful one at that.

I remember growing up and in order for me to be toilet trained, she had to paint one of my finger nails. Oh the blissful memories.

Despite her condition in the past, my mama has been praising the Jesus for all he's done long before cancer. She was a strong woman in the faith and I've always looked up to her. It humbled me seeing how she dealt with cancer and yet she still had a good attitude. She maintained positivity. Her faith was always evident in her life.

She went without pain. That's all I could ask for. There was no struggle, there was no pain. There was nothing, but peace. Good thing about having a long-term disease is the preparation, the slow let down and I am grateful for this. Goodbye cancer. Hello eternal life with Jesus!

We have been given so many opportunities to witness to our families and I'm thankful for that. We are together and will remain to be together.

To my friends and family, thank you so so much for all the support. You all have been caring and very generous and loving towards our family. I love you all so dearly and I can't thank you enough. Don't be too sad. My mom is in the loving arms of our Savior Jesus, singing praises to Him. To be quite honest, I'm envious of her! Yes, I am sad that I no longer have my mama, but the joy that I have in knowing that she's begun her eternal life with Christ, there's nothing more I could ask for. She's finished her life on earth which is literally a mist in comparison to what she's experiencing now: an eternity with Jesus, which has just begun. She glorified Jesus in all she did.

Mama, I'm proud of you. I love you and I'll always remember you, how you lived, how you cared, how you loved. You've got the best seat in the house to watch your babies grow up. I couldn't have asked for a greater woman to be my primary example in my life. I love you.

Crown Him with many crowns, the Lamb upon His throne. Hark! How the heavenly anthem drowns all music but its own. Awake, my soul, and sing of Him who died for thee, And hail Him as thy matchless King through all eternity.
-Crown Him with Many Crowns - Matthew Bridges

What does it mean to be a Christian?
Does it mean that one believes in God and how Jesus died for the world so that we can go to heaven? Or does it mean that one believes in God and how Jesus died for believes so that we can have Christ and know that he is all we need and because of this, we know heaven is ours?

This is a concept that my mom has yet to grasp. In her final days or months, I want her to see Christ as her everything, not just a passage to heaven. I know that she knows that Jesus should be everything she needs and desires, but I don't know if she has grasped this just yet.

As it feels like the world is crashing down, I know that my attitude should be one of joy and of contentment, but my flesh says otherwise. I want my soul "to awake and sing of Him who died for me." Right now I feel like a corpse walking through life, playing catch-up to everything as of recent and that's not how I want to live. I want me to know that I'm doing the best that I can at everything, not just doing things just to get by. I noticed that the quality in work has decreased from being stretched so thin.

I know my mom is one who is very needy and when she asks for a small favor, about 20 other things follow after it. Just recently after being wiped-out at school, I went home and took a nap only to be woken up like the following, "Hannah? Hannah, are you awake yet? Han, are you-- oh good! You're awake now. Could you get me some hot water now please?" I lose time in just doing things I want to do. I don't find myself playing my guitar as much anymore, but rather fetching hot water ever 10 minutes for my mother or putting her blankets on her or whatnot. Nothing goes uninterrupted.

I want to do my best and keep my composure and patience with her because I know she's tired, hurting and can't do what she would normally do, but sometimes I just can't put up with it. I do my best, but I find myself losing my patience so quickly with her. She loses her patience really quickly also and both of our clashing personalities break out in total war... not really... hahah but I think you get the picture. It's not her fault because I know that she's bound to act differently due to the cancer pressing upon her brain.

While I'm serving my mother with an ungrateful or loving attitude, I'm later convicted of my actions and am reminded that I need to be doing everything with love and gratefulness or I shouldn't be doing them at all. I need to follow in Christ's example in doing everything selflessly. Jesus would do the same for me no matter how much I nagged or complained. I pray that my attitude and mindset is changed immediately.

"God is most gloried in you when you are most satisfied in Him in the midst of loss, NOT propserity."
- John Piper (Sermon: Where Is God?)
To hear the full sermon: Where Is God? (<---Link)

"I need no other argument, I need no other plea! Don't tell me he'll heal me. I don't care! Don't tell me he'll give me a fine car or a wonderful home or insurance or my best life now! I don't need it! Tell me one thing: Did he shed his own blood for my soul? Then don't cheapen the call! As Leonard Ravenhill said, 'Christ will offer you two things: eternal life and a tree to die on, but because of His blood, 'tis enough.'" - Paul Washer (Sermon: The Acropolis of the Christian Faith)
To hear the full sermon: The Acropolis of the Christian Faith (<---Link)

Struggling in Silence, but Never Struggling Alone

Struggles come and go in life and to be realistic, we wouldn't know what life is about if we haven't encountered one. If there were no struggles in life, what have we got to live for? No desire to push past pain and experience triumph over weakness. I could go on, but this isn't exactly what my blog is going to be about.

So it's been over a year since my mom has been living with cancer. I wish I could say it has been fine and dandy, but these past couple months have been very difficult. Unfortunately, my mom has progressively become worse due to her condition. Since she has not been able to receive chemotherapy since November of 2009, her cancer that had previously shrank, has grown again, but this time the cancer has spread to her shoulder and her throat. She has received radiation for the shoulder and throat cancer, but I can't say if it's really made a difference. She has yet to receive chemo because of her failing health and her inability to keep her pain at a minimum.
It's wearisome always having to be there for my mom when she needs me, be there for my dad to provide assurance or try to stay positive. At times I feel as if I had become the parent, along side with my brother.

I don't exactly know how much into detail I should go, but my family is planning for the worst. My first instinct to this was denial. I withdrew myself and blasted my music. The thought of being so close to losing my mom is just unbearable. I want her to see me graduate high school. I want her to see me graduate from college. I want her to meet my first boyfriend. I want her to see me get married. I want her to see her grandchildren. But life is one thing we all take for granted. We all live as if we have a tomorrow, but we all have our days numbered. We just don't know when the clock ends.

Undoubtedly, I've lost my vision of Jesus throughout this. Through this struggle, I had tried to constantly remind myself that Christ would do the same for me without a bad attitude and would complete the task to the fullest extent, but just haven't been able to produce a Christ-like attitude. Recently, I've just been doing things just for the sake of completing them. I have turned to my own pride in hopes that it would support me through this hell. I've blinded myself by my own ambitions of trying to run away from my issues by being a student, a daughter, a friend, an athlete, a musician. But I've lost. I chose to struggle alone in vain when the fact is I was never alone.

A reminder of what the Gospel is about: definitely what I needed. What is the Gospel? In the words of John Piper, "[t]he Gospel is the news that Jesus Christ, the Righteous One, died for our sins and rose again, eternally triumphant over all his enemies, so that there is now no condemnation for those who believe, but only everlasting joy."

Yes, I am presently suffering, but these struggles are only temporary and I know that I'm not alone. My joy in Jesus trumps any present struggle.

James 1:2-4
"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be prefect and complete, lacking in nothing."

I have come to terms with the present situation with the support of my friends and the assurance of my Lord Jesus. To keep her here in her present suffering is selfish of me. Why should I keep her here when she could be in heaven with our Father? Yes, it has been hard to cope with and I'm sure it gets harder and harder and probably even harder after that day has passed. I can't say I know how my dad is going to be, but with my knowledge of how Christ would be everything and more, I need to do that for my dad without complaining or arguing and use plenty of patience.

"I will glory in my Redeemer
My life He bought, my love He owns
I have no longings for another
I’m satisfied in Him alone
I will glory in my Redeemer
His faithfulness my standing place
Though foes are mighty and rush upon me
My feet are firm, held by His grace"
I Will Glory in My Redeemer - Sovereign Grace Music

Inside the Mind of Hannah Pham

To be honest, I don't really feel like writing a blog at the moment, but I have a lot on my mind. If you've ever wondered what goes on in my mind, here's your chance to see a snapshot of it. There's too much and this blog probably won't be coherent... Anyway, here goes...

So two songs that has been on my mind lately:
"My soul finds rest in God alone
My Rock and my Salvation
A Fortress strong against my foes
And I will not be shaken
Though lips may bless and hearts may curse
And lies like arrows pierce me
I'll fix my heart on righteousness
I'll look to Him who hears me"
- Psalm 62 - Aaron Keys - [Click to listen]

Verse 2:
"Praise to the Lord,
who doth prosper thy work and defend thee;
surely his goodness and mercy here daily attend thee.
Ponder anew
what the Almighty can do,
who with his love doth befriend thee."
-Praise to the Lord the Almighty - Travis Cottrell- [Click to listen]

There are so many songs out there that provide such encouragement for me through difficult times. This last week has definitely been hard on me. I felt like I was being drained and I couldn't do anything about it. Things have been getting hard, but that doesn't mean I stop. There are different ways we deal with different situations. As mentioned a number of times, I turn to my faith, friends and music for comfort.

But stepping away from my comfort zone: My future is definitely in question. Do I stay home and support my family by taking up a job and caring for them at home? Or do I go to college away from home? Do I step away from unfamiliarity or do I stay where I'm most comfortable where I know I'll find my support? I've really been contemplating and praying for Jesus' guidance and wherever he wants me, I will go.
Side Note: As ridiculous as this sounds... I want to go to a college that would provide me with the best husband possible. Yes, I know I'm still really young and have plenty of time, but it doesn't hurt to know what I'm looking for in my future husband.

It's just been hard knowing what my mom's going through and if I could, I would switch places with her. Why? My mom has lived a long life and has done far more than I could ever do. I know it would be a different story if I had cancer and not my mom. I'd switch places with my mom because her faith isn't where I'd would like it to be. I'm not saying that her faith has to be picture perfect. There are some things in her faith that just makes me feel uneasy. Our salvation in Jesus is not based on our own works. Nothing that we do can help us gain salvation in the least bit. It's all God and his grace and his mercy. Who are we to try and earn something that we are undeserving of? I know that I still have a lot to learn and understand, but I also hope the same for my mom. I hope that she's able to filter from what is accurate preaching from hopeful preaching. I want her to have the ability to decipher what's right and what's wrong. I want her to know that just because someone uses Jesus' name in a sermon does not necessarily mean they're preaching truth.

Finally back in the game.
After 2 weeks of being on the injured list for soccer, I'm working hard to get back where I am. I'm not exactly sure what happened, but at the Woodside game, my ankle popped after a collision with another player. The trainer stated that I was caught between a over straining and tearing of the tendons/ligaments in my ankle. It was awful just watching practice and not being able to participate. I enjoyed watching the games, but it's not the same. I feel horrible that I can't contribute anything other than my obnoxious voice yelling, "MAN! MAN! MAN!" or "SEE [insert name here]" or "CROSS IT!/SWITCH IT!" I know it's really annoying, but it's all I can do.
Just this Saturday, I've returned back to the field and worked hard. I started to run my first lap and the pain was just excrutiating. It felt as if someone was cutting the tendons/muscles/ligaments connecting my shin to my foot. Why did I push through the pain even though it killed me? I knew that if I wanted to play, I had to work hard. I had to want to play soccer more than ease or soothe my pain. Slowly, but surely, I will get back to where I was.

Well there you have it. There's actually tons more on my mind. In summary, these are the things that I think about most... So I thank you for taking a virtual trip within my mind.

What Cancer Has Done For Me.

For those who are not aware of the recent difficulties that have come about the "Pham(ily)" household, as of April 2009, my mom was diagnosed with stage four metastatic lung cancer. It has definitely taken a hard toll on us spiritually, mentally and physically. No doubt that this cancer has changed my life and it still is changing my life. Just when I thought I had everything all planned out – although I was still questioning my future – along came cancer. Undoubtedly this has taken a harder toll on my mom because this cancer is living in, on and with her twenty-four-seven.

What I'm about to talk about is not about how this cancer has ruined my life, but how it has benefited my life. Don’t get me wrong. If cancer was a choice, I would definitely choose to avoid it. I’m not saying that I wish illness upon my mom, but what I’m saying is this: By God’s grace, he has taken this disease, this bringer of hardship, this bringer of suffering, this bringer of pain and agony and whatever else – and turned it into a gift. A gift that is meant to amplify Him even more so.

What The Cancer Has Brought Us:

One:

God gave my mom cancer. As hard as it is sometimes to believe, God is always in control and uses every single factor in our lives to bring glory to Himself. God gave this "curse" to my mom and turned it into a tool to show me His power, love, and most importantly, His sovereignty. In this he showed me this: "Look at Me. Trust Me. I'm in control. I'm going to use this to glorify me and show you things you wouldn't see unless I put you through this." And to my mom, "Don't waste what I've given you." (<-Link)

Sure, I've experienced finding out that relatives were diagnosed with cancer, but what about the person you've known the longest, gave life to me, nurtured me, loved me. We all live life as if we own it. As a matter of fact, we do not. With all these human advances, we forget how vulnerable we all are; even to the common cold. Through our daily lives, man is saying, "Look at ME," through designs, knowledge, success, fame, but what about God, whom is the creator of the earth. Does he not deserve any credit? In the Bible we read:

Isaiah 44:24-28

Thus says the Lord, your Redeemer, who formed you from the womb: "I am the Lord, who made all things, who alone stretched out the heavens, who spread out the earth by Myself, who frustrates the signs of liars and makes fools of diviners, who turns wise men back and makes their knowledge foolish, who confirms the word of his servant and fulfills the counsel of his messengers, who says of Jerusalem, 'She shall be inhabited,' and of the cities of Judah, 'They shall be built and I will raise up their ruins'; who says the deep, 'Be dry; I will dry up your rivers'; who says of Cyrus, 'He is my shepherd, and he shall fulfill all my purpose'; saying of Jerusalem, "She shall be built,' and of the temple, 'Your foundation shall be laid.'"

And with this, God responds: "You are mine. I made you and you will bring me glory. All that I have given you, you will use it to glorify me."

Two:

God has taken this "curse" and used it to unify our family, both mom and dad's side. Not to go into too much detail, my mom's side and our family didn't get along so well, but because of this gift, strange as it may seem, it has brought out the kindness and understanding of both families. Now, we get plenty of phone calls each day and we get along better than ever. With this, we are able to continue witnessing to both sides of our family through our attitudes in handling the situation.

Three:

God has given us more support that we could have ever dreamed of. We have so many loving friends who pray for us daily. For this, I am truly grateful. Not only is this an encouragement to me, but it is also an encouragement to my mom. As much as my mom would like to socialize, her health would not permit her to do so, or at least as much as she would like. It's kind of crazy how God takes a vulgar disease like cancer and takes and uses it to unify the church in praying for my mom. I have become more familiar with faces around the church from those asking of my moms condition. I must admit, I do become weary of constantly having to repeat myself over and over again about my mom's updates, but as much as I'm tired of it, I find even more joy in that I can see God's love manifesting in my life through others' showing compassion toward our family.

Four:

Through this crazy roller coaster, God has allowed me to find joy in the littlest things. For example: Life. It is a gift. God's gift. He gave it, and he can take it. He'll use it, mold it, break it. I can find peace and comfort in knowing that if it is His will to allow my mom to live, than that is a gift, but if it is also to take her life, this is also a gift. To live, we would have many more memories and loving times together and from her experience, she can encourage others and let them know that they are not alone in this journey. To take, no more sorrow, no more pain, no more difficulties or hardships. She can be with our Father in Heaven!

I take great joy in my time with my mom more than I ever have before. Not going to lie, it has often become very frustrating providing for her needs, but when I perform these tasks, I take joy in it (or at least I do my best to).

I also take joy in the little cry of a child: showing how needy we were as little ones. How innocent, vulnerable; just as we are with Christ. We are needy; there is never a day where we do not go hungry, thirsty... Our dependence on God allows us to humble ourselves and come to Him, depend on Him.

I'm not trying to amplify my mom's condition because I know that there are others that are dealing with the same. The purpose of this was to encourage to you, so that if or when you encounter a tough situation or a hardship, that you would keep this in mind. It's funny. At Resolved, a christian conference, John Piper spoke about how God used sin to glorify Him. Just as this situation seems so big to us, there are millions of other situations going on also, all which are bringing glory to God. When struggling for joy, seek Him.

To this day, my mom is doing well. Sassy, as ever, but is doing well. As of recent, she has postponed her chemotherapy treatment due to low blood count. She should be starting up again in January.
For those who are always asking if we need any favors, thank you. The biggest favor you could bring us is prayer!

Thank you all for you love, support, and prayers! God bless! -- Sola Gratia.

Colossians 1: 9-14
And so, from the day we heard, we have not ceased to pray for you, asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God. May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy, giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light. He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.