Struggles come and go in life and to be realistic, we wouldn't know what life is about if we haven't encountered one. If there were no struggles in life, what have we got to live for? No desire to push past pain and experience triumph over weakness. I could go on, but this isn't exactly what my blog is going to be about.
So it's been over a year since my mom has been living with cancer. I wish I could say it has been fine and dandy, but these past couple months have been very difficult. Unfortunately, my mom has progressively become worse due to her condition. Since she has not been able to receive chemotherapy since November of 2009, her cancer that had previously shrank, has grown again, but this time the cancer has spread to her shoulder and her throat. She has received radiation for the shoulder and throat cancer, but I can't say if it's really made a difference. She has yet to receive chemo because of her failing health and her inability to keep her pain at a minimum.
It's wearisome always having to be there for my mom when she needs me, be there for my dad to provide assurance or try to stay positive. At times I feel as if I had become the parent, along side with my brother.
I don't exactly know how much into detail I should go, but my family is planning for the worst. My first instinct to this was denial. I withdrew myself and blasted my music. The thought of being so close to losing my mom is just unbearable. I want her to see me graduate high school. I want her to see me graduate from college. I want her to meet my first boyfriend. I want her to see me get married. I want her to see her grandchildren. But life is one thing we all take for granted. We all live as if we have a tomorrow, but we all have our days numbered. We just don't know when the clock ends.
Undoubtedly, I've lost my vision of Jesus throughout this. Through this struggle, I had tried to constantly remind myself that Christ would do the same for me without a bad attitude and would complete the task to the fullest extent, but just haven't been able to produce a Christ-like attitude. Recently, I've just been doing things just for the sake of completing them. I have turned to my own pride in hopes that it would support me through this hell. I've blinded myself by my own ambitions of trying to run away from my issues by being a student, a daughter, a friend, an athlete, a musician. But I've lost. I chose to struggle alone in vain when the fact is I was never alone.
A reminder of what the Gospel is about: definitely what I needed. What is the Gospel? In the words of John Piper, "[t]he Gospel is the news that Jesus Christ, the Righteous One, died for our sins and rose again, eternally triumphant over all his enemies, so that there is now no condemnation for those who believe, but only everlasting joy."
Yes, I am presently suffering, but these struggles are only temporary and I know that I'm not alone. My joy in Jesus trumps any present struggle.
"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be prefect and complete, lacking in nothing."
I have come to terms with the present situation with the support of my friends and the assurance of my Lord Jesus. To keep her here in her present suffering is selfish of me. Why should I keep her here when she could be in heaven with our Father? Yes, it has been hard to cope with and I'm sure it gets harder and harder and probably even harder after that day has passed. I can't say I know how my dad is going to be, but with my knowledge of how Christ would be everything and more, I need to do that for my dad without complaining or arguing and use plenty of patience.
"I will glory in my Redeemer
My life He bought, my love He owns
I have no longings for another
I’m satisfied in Him alone
I will glory in my Redeemer
His faithfulness my standing place
Though foes are mighty and rush upon me
My feet are firm, held by His grace"
I Will Glory in My Redeemer - Sovereign Grace Music