Torn

I honestly don't know how to start this blog, however what I would like to focus on is the activity that we did on Friday, in class, in regards to Hamlet's "To be or not to be" soliloquy. My conflict had to do with the decision of for me v.s from me.
Should I fulfill and meet the expectations of my parents and show them what they want to see from me? Or do I live out my dreams and in return accept disappointment? On my card, I wrote the following:
"Do I live out my dreams to its fullest potential or do I risk the relationship with my parents because I'm not living their dream?"
Growing up, I always imagined myself becoming an musician, whether it be in a band or performing with an orchestra (My dream was to go to Julliard and learn vocals and composition). My other dream was to be an artist, more specifically a photographer. I love ambiguity in art. I love the fact that I can make the picture into what I want it to be, express what I want it to express. This way, I won't have specific guidelines. Traveling: Always wanted to travel and live in Spain for a summer. Gosh, that'd be the best experience ever. Go to a real football match and just experience the versatility, but naturally I don't have the funds for that just yet. I've always found myself more of an arts person as opposed to a book smart person. I really hate memorization and questions that have more than one right answer, but really only has one right answer. I'm not smart enough! Can't we just let it be?
As of today, I have a heart for helping families with children who have disabilities. I want to impact their lives in a positive manner. I want to know that what I'm doing is going to make a difference, not saying that being a doctor wouldn't do the same thing, but really... who wants to go through that much schooling because I sure don't want to. Education has become so strict and I feel trapped; living my life in the narrow boundaries of education. I'm becoming so weary of meeting the unreachable standards of today's modern society. Anyway, back to the issue with my parents. Yes, my parents are Asian, so growing up, I only had to options: To be a doctor or not to be (as in to be nonexistent because I would be unsucessful in anything else that I would want to do). Joyous.
I want to dedicate my life to serving others. Who says I can't serve being a doctor? Who says I have to serve by the means of being a doctor? I've suggested compromise with my parents, but my pleading was futile; their expectations would not budge. I've become discouraged to the max knowing that whatever else I did would not win the support from my parents. My cousin wasn't any help either. Instead of being encouraging, he mocked my desired profession. I love my family and although they have expectations, I'm going to have to say that their in for disappointment. I am persuing my dream in becoming a speech therapist. What my family has to say about it? They think I'm childish and foolish. I've resoned with my parents a great deal over why I made this decision.

"I rather be happy doing something I love, than be a slave to work and ultimately, money."

The friction in our household has died down a lot since then, but there are still some disagreements about my wants. All that my parents require of me now is to do my best and be content in all the situations or issues to come.
The picture to the above is titled: "Renovation" and it is by my brother dearest. I thought it was appropriate considering all the changes that I'm making in my life. Just like in Hamlet, Shakespeare uses words with double-meanings and the double-meanings behind the word "renovation" could consist of change, renewing, improving and to restore. I guess they're all really synonyms, but it depends how you look at the word and its definition. Anyway...So here's to the future!
My Purpose: To serve others with a whole heart and as selfless as possible.
1 Corinthians 10: 31-33
"So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. Give no offense to Jews or to Greeks or to the church of God, just as I try to please everyone in everything I do, not seeking my own advantage, but that of many, that they may be saved."

Words of Wisdom: Words to Live By

If anything, I think this song called "Everyone's Free (To Wear Sunscreen), is completely relevant to what we did this week in class, regarding the letters from friends/family.
"Everyone's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)" can be heard by clicking HERE

At the beginning of this week, we were assigned to ask 2 (or more) people for their words of wisdom. I know for a fact that I would look at these letters when I feel discouraged, which were probably the real reason as to why we did these, so thank you Mr. Burke. The first letter that I've received was from my dear friend, Kimberlee. She talked about how the world is going to lie to me and tell me how my purpose in life is to be successful. In this hectic world, it's always so easy to forget my purpose in life and lose track of who I am. As I mentioned in my journal, I know that living in the world and living of the world are two different things. I can't live my life for men and live my life for Christ. Scripture to back this statement up comes from Revelation 3:16 : "So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth." Living in the world and living of the world is like water and oil. You can't mix the two together no matter how much you stir. I'm going to be completely honest, sometimes I find myself living for the world instead of living for Christ as of recent because of school applications, grades, and whatnot. I end up losing myself in all the madness and sometimes struggle to swim back up to the surface wondering if I would ever make it back to the surface in time. My friend's letter has encouraged me tremendously. I know for sure that this letter will be a "shoebox" letter, meaning I'm going to keep it, treasure it and look at it as a source of encouragement. She recognizes the fact that these ties are going to be harder before they become easier - and that's so true! but at the rat that our world is changing/progressing, it's about to become a whole lot harder and easier won't be found as quickly as i would like it to be.
Over these past few years, my friends have had a tremendous impact on my life, mostly spiritually. They have set an example for me to live by - living out the gospel of Christ. each of these people that I've asked to write me these letters are people that I trust my life with. They are all responsible for shaping and molding me into the person who I am today. Without their guidance, I would be living a completely different life style- who knows where I'd be? I look forward to pulling these letters from a shoebox, possibly 20 years from now. It would remind me of how much they've invested, influenced and loved me.

Here, I guess I'll leave a message for my future self:
For when I encounter hardships, trials and tribulations:
+Romans 8:31-39 -"God's Everlasting Love"
"What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?...No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

+James 1:2-4 - "Testing of Your Faith"
"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."

+Romans 5:20-21 - "Peace with God Through Faith"
"Now the law came in to increase the trespass, but where sin increased, grace abounded all the more, so that, as sin reigned in death, grace also might reign through righteousness leading to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord."

"It's not the circumstances that determine who you're going to be, but how you deal with these problems and pains that come your way..." - Mat Kearney [<--This is a link!]

This quote comes from a song by one of my favorite artists, Mat Kearney. What makes him different from other artists is that he has a different way of approaching issues (issues that matter) of todays world. For example, in the song Girl America, Kearney addresses a girl's everyday issue and how instead of taking initiative on her own life and leading her life the way she would like it to be, she allows outside influences govern her decisions that she makes.
I think that this song, more directly the quote, is relevant to our class discussions on leaders and laws/morals. How? Well, the beginning starts out as how she allows worldly influences mold her to how she's going to live out her life, thus making her a follower of the leader, represented by the media, drugs, boys, etc.
I wouldn't say that leaders are confinded to the definition of one that leads others, but also she can govern herself; taking her reigns into her own hands and to the best of her ability, control what she can instead of allowing everything around her to manipulate the way she acts or reacts.
There are two different kinds of people in the world: ones that initiate and ones that react, however these reactions may be passive or active.
The ones that initaite usually feel as if something were wrong or feel that they are being threatened by something, thus the initiation for change.
The ones that react are considered as followers or ones that could care less. Followers are followers because they feel that they would not have enough leway to pursuade others to follow them in their opinion of matters, but if they find someone else who has more pursation on the public, the leaders, they then support these leaders in their decision and action for change. The others are passive. They are passive because it is possible that they could care less about what's going to happen, maybe because they don't feel like the decision has any relation to them or won't affect them in any shape, way or manner.

This upcoming months is going to be one of the most stressful months im ever going to encounter (aside from finals and AP testing). Why is this? Well as if I didn't have enough already, I now have the pleasure of filling out those wonderful application forms which will probably shape my life in terms of what exactly in my degree I'm specifically aiming at. It is up to me whether I want to let the school take me where it wants to take me or if I want to take it where I want it to take me. Will I govern my life to the best of my ability or will I let the influence on others guide my decisions?